And maybe… probably… what is really burdening me at the moment is that I perceive those “things” as a massive pile of shit. Nothing good, dirty stuff. Shame, regrets, fears… and a lot! The resistance I experience to dig into it is kind of revealing of the necessity to confront it all.
Two or three days have passed with those overwhelming sensations. Accumulating more and more from one time to the next. Going from a mere moment of postponement to full-blown procrastination. My body becoming tenser and tenser, my mind foggier and foggier. Anger towards myself growing stronger, as I knew very well I was turning a blind eye. Bringing me to a stage where it’s become too much, consequential.
In simpler words, to be with someone not only able to receive what I give, accepting it without reservation, but also giving in an equal measure everything of themselves – is very comfortable, and literally all I need.
I don’t feel confident about my own self-confidence. And this is very disturbing…
I gave up on myself, started to compromise, and offered more than I could afford. Self-sacrifice. Which was probably the worst thing I could ever do.
My closest confident will remain this blog still now. And that’s fine just the way it is. On the condition that I reconnect with the outside world.
As much as I need to go through all this, there’s a time for looking at the past – and a time to move forward. That time has come for me, and I will not step back.
I still to this day believe that I missed something very important, something of substance.
I will complete and improve that list in an individual post. And giving into details as to what I really intend to achieve in the course of my life.
Something’s been dormant in me, awaken just recently. A current of passion, to which I decided to give a less abstract form. A different kind of love that’s been taking over. A drive to do what’s best with all the keys I hold. And giving life to a few projects I’d left aside.
